During my pregnancy, and even before, there were many different things that I believed erroneously or worried about unnecessarily. True, many of these things are problematic to other people, so I’m aware of how lucky I am, but as worrying about these things didn’t have any effect at all, I do wish I’d saved myself some stress.
- Giving birth at home without drugs. Before having Twink I didn’t know anyone who had given birth without at the very least having pethadine (/meptid), so I worried a lot that I was being naive to think I could cope without. It turns out that giving birth wasn’t a horrible ordeal to get through, but an amazing experience that I’ll always treasure.
- Breastfeeding is difficult, needs working at and involves overcoming pain. Oh, & you’ll leak almost constantly. This was true for almost every mother I knew at the time. It turns out Twink knew exactly what he was supposed to do…even trying to latch on through the tankini top I was wearing in the birth pool! I didn’t have any trouble at all breastfeeding until I fell pregnant again. And I rarely leak. I wore breastpads for a week with Twink before realising they weren’t necessary, & I haven’t bothered this time…not even when I had the whole day away from Squishy when I went to London…not even one leaked drop…I know, I know, I really am a freak! True the early days were mostly spent on the sofa catching up on my DVD box sets with Twink attached, but that was the hardest bit…being stuck on the sofa while Hubby brought me drinks, food and changed the DVD! It’s a hard life
Squishy did find it a little more difficult getting the right latch, but still, aside from a slight soreness (nothing that was even visible), it was easy. Which probably explains why I’m still feeding Twink over 25 months later! National Breastfeeding Week - I wouldn’t cope without sleep. I’ve been an insomniac since I was a child, so perhaps I’d been in training for this all my life, but despite Twink not sleeping for longer than two hours (more usually just one) until he was nine months old, I did cope, and actually the worst bit was just before it got so much easier. I think he woke up half hourly during the nine month growth spurt and I nearly lost it…but worrying about his sleep didn’t change it at all…he just did it in his own time.
- That I absolutely needed a flash travel system. With hindsight I wish we had bought one of those car seats that converts for an infant and then a toddler…lugging the baby car seat around was torture, and Twink hated being in it, hated being in the pram and hated being in the pushchair…if only I’d known about slings before he was born, and had the confidence to just buy one and wait until later to get a pushchair. I would have waited to buy a pushchair until he could go in one of those incredibly small, lightweight, umbrella collapsible ones. My expensive Bugaboo Chameleon may be gorgeous, but it’s a pain getting it into the car and it’s only been used with the carseat or the pram a handful of times. I spent SO long researching the ‘right’ travel system for us and in the end I got it wrong, & now I’m stuck with it as it was so expensive.
- That I would need to get my baby into a routine at some point. I was told repeatedly that it was all very well me feeding on demand and letting Twink sleep whenever he wanted to when he was very little, but I really needed to get him into a routine before he was two or three months old. Hubby and I aren’t very routined people. Ask anyone…we’re almost always late (even before we had children) and we rarely know what we’re doing more than a few days ahead. When Twink was born, Hubby was working for himself from home, so his day would start when he was ready, and finish when he needed a break. Sometimes he would take an hour or a day off to do something as a family. Weekends were frequently the same as weekdays, so we literally had no pattern to our days at all. The idea of imposing a routine on ourselves, let alone a baby was terrifying to me…I honestly didn’t know how I would cope. I read all the books (no, really…all of them!) on various routines, and all of them made me want to scream…for a start they all wanted me to start my day at 7am. SEVEN A.M!!!! Hubby usually started work some time after 9am, and he’d generally only have been awake for half an hour. Twink was happy to laze in bed with me until 10 or 11. Back then, 7 am was a whole other world for us. And as for the rest of the day the routine books were planning out for me? I still don’t understand how people manage to leave the house if they’re following those routines. They just really weren’t for us, so I worried that I was doing something wrong or damaging my son in some way by not imposing any sort of routine or pattern on him. Yet again, it all fell into place by itself…after we started solid foods, we had a bit of a pattern, and much later (9 or 10 months old) when we introduced breakfast, we even started getting out of bed around 9am!
- Cosleeping is evil and I would have a fight to get him out of our bed. Think I’ve covered this at the end of another post already…it’s just wrong!
All worrying did was cause me unnecessary stress. I really wish I’d just relaxed more when Twink was little and enjoyed it. Instead I was so worried that I might be doing something wrong…actually all I was doing was responding to my child in a way that suited my family. I think I’m more relaxed about it this time round…this is what I do and it works for us…I’ll worry about it if or when it stops working.
So what do you worry about? It can’t just be me having random worries about everything (I’ve not even covered everything here…but it’s getting late & I want to go to bed!). Are there things that you now kick yourself for worrying about? Or did worrying about something actually help you sort out a problem?
Tags: breastfeeding, cosleeping, homebirth, pushchairs, routines, sleep, worrying
I can relate to almost all of that. I have one child, Leo is 15 months old now: I had a fantastic birth experience; breastfeeding has been (and still is) great, although Leo feeding constantly for the first few months was tough at times; I co-sleep with Leo and seem to be functioning fine despite Leo still waking three or four times most nights, he slept through last night so fingers crossed; I have largely left my fancy pushchair in the cupboard, carrying Leo in a sling and backpack; we have a vague bedtime routine but that’s about it. I worried lots when I was pregnant, constantly searching the online forums for reassurance. When he was a baby I worried about ‘developmental milestones’, especially when Leo refused to sit until after his first birthday. Now he is toddling around (holding my finger) I have stopped worrying, he’s not in a rush to walk solo or talk words but that’s fine, he’s a joy and our way feels right for us.
It’s great to know I’m not alone!! I also needed to find some sort of confirmation that how I was doing things with Twink was okay…second time round I’m so much more relaxed, and don’t feel the need to justify myself in the same way.
I also feel isolated at times. While some of my friends breastfeed and some BLW I don’t know anyone else in my community who co-sleeps joyfully (i.e. not as a last resort), carries their child lots or wants to raise them without punishment or rewards. I seem to have drifted into an attachment parenting-ish style, just by going with what Leo wanted and what felt right for us. I would like to find a few like-minded parents locally, so we can meet up but I don’t know how to find them (if they exist). I used to get knocked into self doubt and worry every time someone gave me advice, especially if that person was a health visitor, but now I am getting more confident and relaxed. Our way is definitely working for us.
I’d agree with all of that. I too slept with both my two despite horrific looks from all my friends and can not understand the need to get a 4 month old into a tight regime. Now the eldest is at school and while they are at nursery we have enough routine to go around! Let’s face it a routine is for parents not babies who need love and milk and clean bottoms. I struggled to bf first time around and no one supported me, 2nd time round when i was more confident and less bothered about other people it was much easier. Instincts over worry every time now.
Second time round I am SO much more relaxed about my choices…but as you say, I still feel isolated at times & would really like to have some similar attachment style parenting friends locally…instead, most of them are online!
Instincts are definitely the way forward…lots of love, cuddles and kisses, and someone to respond when they cry